The Princess Bride
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[Scene: Grandson's bedroom, Grandson is on the
bed, playing video games]
Mother: Hi, honey.
Grandson: Hi, Mom.
Mother: < kiss > You feelin' any better?
Grandson: A little bit.
Mother: Guess what?
Grandson: What?
Mother: Your Grandfather's here.
Grandson: Mom, can't you tell him I'm sick?
Mother: You're sick? That's why he's here.
Grandson: He'll pinch my cheek. I hate that.
Mother: Maybe he won't.
Grandfather:Heyyyy!! How's the sickie, eh?
Mother: I think I'll leave you two pals alone.
Grandfather: I brought you a special present.
Grandson: What is it??
Grandfather: Open it up.
[pause as Grandson opens present]
Grandson: A book ?
Grandfather: That's right. When I was your age, television was called books. And this is a special book. It was the book my father used to read to me when I was sick, and I used to read it to your father, and today, I'm gonna read it to you.
Grandson: Does it got any sports in it?
Grandfather: Are you kidding? Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants,monsters, chases, escapes, True Love, miracles....
Grandson: Doesn't sound too bad. I'll try and stay awake.
Grandfather: Oh. Well thank you very much. Very nice of you. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming. All right. The Princess Bride, by S. Morgenstern, Chapter One. Buttercup was raised on a small farm in the country of Florin. Her favorite pastimes were riding her horse and tormenting the farm boy that worked there. His name was Westley, but she never called him that."
[pause]
Isn't that a wonderful beginning?
Grandson: Yeah, it's really good.
[Scene: Farm]
Grandfather:"Nothing gave Buttercup as much pleasure as ordering Westley around."
Buttercup: Farm Boy, polish my horse's saddle. I want to see my face shining in it by morning.
Westley: As you wish.
Grandfather:"'As you wish' was all he ever said to her."
Buttercup: Farm boy, fill these with water...please.
Westley: As you wish.
Grandfather:"That day she was amazed to discover that when he was saying 'As you wish', what he meant was, 'I love you.' And even more amazing was the day she realized she truly loved him back."
Buttercup: Farm boy...fetch me that pitcher.
Westley: As you wish.
< she smiles..[scene segues to sunset].they kiss
>
[Scene: Bedroom]
Grandson: Hold it, hold it! What is this? Are you tryin' to
trick me? Where's the sports? < gravely > Is this a
kissing book?
Grandfather:Wait, just wait.
Grandson: Well when does it get good?
Grandfather:Keep your shirt on, let me read. "Westley had no
money for marriage, so he packed a few belongings
and left the farm to seek his fortune across the
sea. It was a very emotional time for
Buttercup."
Grandson: I don't believe this!
[Scene: Farmhouse]
Buttercup: I fear I'll never see you again.
Westley: Of course you will.
Buttercup: But what if something happens to you?
Westley: Hear this now: I will always come for
you.
Buttercup: But how can you be sure?
Westley: This is True Love. You think this
happens every day??
Grandfather:"Westley didn't reach his destination. His ship was
attackedby the dread pirate Roberts, who never left
captives alive. When Buttercup got the news that
Westley was murdered,--"
Grandson: Murdered by pirates is good....
Grandfather:"She went into her room and shut the door, and for
days she neither slept nor ate."
Buttercup: I will never love again.
[Scene: Main Square. Humperdinck, King on
balcony]
Grandfather:"Five years later, the main square of Florin City
was filled as never before to hear the announcement
of the great Prince Humperdinck's bride-to-be."
Humperdinck:< addressing the crowd >
My people, a month from now, our country will have
its 500th anniversary. On that sundown, I shall
marry a lady who was once a commoner like
yourselves. But perhaps you will not find her common
now. Would you like to meet her?
People: Yes!
Humperdinck:My people, the Princess Buttercup. [Buttercup
enters, wearing crown and gown.]
[Scene: Outside Florin City walls. Buttercup is
riding a horse]
Grandfather:"Buttercup's emptiness consumed her. Although the
law of the land gave Humperdinck the right to choose
his bride, she did not love him. Despite
Humperdinck's reassurances that she would grow to
love him, the only joy she found was in her daily
ride."
[Scene: Lane alongside river. Three men stop
Buttercup.]
Vizzini: A word, my lady. We are but poor, lost circus
performers. Is there a village nearby?
Buttercup: There is nothing nearby...not for
miles.
Vizzini: Then there will be no one to hear you
scream!
Inigo: What is that you're ripping?
Vizzini: It's fabric from the uniform of an army officer of
Gilder.
Fezzik: Who's Gilder?
Vizzini: The country across the sea, the sworn enemy of
Florin. < to horse > Go!
[The four board a boat]
Once the horse reaches the castle, the fabric will
make the prince suspect the Gilderians have abducted
his love. When he finds her body dead on the Gilder
frontier, his suspicions will be totally
confirmed.
Fezzik: You never said anything about killing
anyone.
Vizzini: I've hired you to help me start a war. It's a
prestigious line of work, with a long and glorious
tradition.
Fezzik: I just don't think it's right, killing an innocent
girl.
Vizzini: Am I going mad, or did the word "THINK" escape your
lips? YOU WERE NOT HIRED FOR YOUR BRAINS, YOU
HIPPOPOTAMIC LAND MASS!
Inigo: I agree with Fezzik.
Vizzini: OH! THE SOT HAS SPOKEN! WHAT HAPPENS TO HER IS NOT
TRULY YOUR CONCERN. I WILL KILL HER, AND REMEMBER
THIS, NEVER FORGET THIS: WHEN I FOUND YOU, YOU WERE
SO SLOBBERING DRUNK, YOU COULDN'T BUY BRANDY! AND
YOU! FRIENDLESS, BRAINLESS, HELPLESS, HOPELESS! DO
YOU WANT ME TO SEND YOU BACK TO WHERE YOU WERE,
UNEMPLOYED, IN GREENLAND!!!
Inigo: That Vizzini, he can fuss.
Fezzik: Fuss, fuss...I think he like to
scream... at us.
Inigo: Probably he means no harm.
Fezzik: He's really very short on... charm.
Inigo: You have a great gift for rhyme.
Fezzik: Yes, yes, some of the time.
Vizzini: Enough of that!
Inigo: Fezzik, are there rocks ahead?
Fezzik: If there are, we all be dead!
Vizzini: No more rhymes now, I mean it!
Fezzik: Anybody want a peanut?
Vizzini: DYEEAAHHHHHH!!
[Scene: Open water. Inigo is looking behind the
boat frequently]
Vizzini: We'll reach the cliffs by dawn. Why are you doing
that?
Inigo: Are you sure nobody's follow us?
Vizzini: That would be inconceivable.
Buttercup: Despite what you think, you will be caught. And when
you are, the prince will see you all hanged.
Vizzini: Of all the necks on this boat, Highness, the one you
should be worrying about is your own. [pause] Stop
doing that! We can all relax, it's almost over.
Inigo: You are sure nobody's follow us?
Vizzini: As I told you, it would be absolutely, totally, and
in all other ways, inconceivable. No one in Gilder
knows what we've done, and no one in Florin could've
gotten here so fast. [pause] Out of curiosity, why
do you ask?
Inigo: No reason. Suddenly, I just happen to look behind us
and something is there.
Vizzini: Probably some local fisherman out for a pleasure
cruise at night...through eel-infested waters.
[Buttercup dives overboard, and starts swimming
away]
< splash! >
Vizzini: Wha-wh-Go in! Get after her!
Inigo: I don't swim.
Fezzik: I only dog paddle.
Vizzini: DYEEAAHHHHHH!! VEER LEFT! LEFT! LEFT! < to Buttercup
> DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT SOUND IS, HIGHNESS? THOSE
ARE THE SHRIEKING EELS. IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME,
JUST WAIT! THEY ALWAYS GROW LOUDER WHEN THEY'RE
ABOUT TO FEED ON HUMAN FLESH. IF YOU SWIM BACK NOW,
I PROMISE, NO HARM WILL COME TO YOU. I DOUBT YOU'LL
GET SUCH AN OFFER FROM THE EELS.
[Scene: Boy's bedroom]
Grandfather:She doesn't get eaten by the eels at
this time.
Grandson: What?
Grandfather:The eel doesn't get her. Now, I'm explaining to you
because you look nervous.
Grandson: I wasn't nervous. Well, maybe I was a little bit
concerned, but that's not the same thing.
Grandfather:Because we can stop now if you want.
Grandson: No, you could read a little bit more,
if you want.
[Scene: Back on boat]
Grandfather:"Do you know what that sound is, Highness? Those are
the shrieking eels."
Grandson: We passed that, Grandpa. You read it
already.
Grandfather:Oh, oh my goodness I did. I'm sorry. Beg your
pardon. All right, all right. Let's see. She was in
the water, the eel was comin' after her, she was
frightened, the eel started to charge her, and then-
-
[Buttercup lifted out of the water]
Vizzini: Put her down, just put her down.
Inigo: I think he's getting closer.
Vizzini: HE'S NO CONCERN OF OURS. SAIL ON!
I suppose you think you're brave, don't you?
Buttercup: Only compared to some.
[Scene: Base of The Cliffs of Insanity.]
Inigo: Look! He's right on top of us. I wonder if he's using
the same wind we are using.
Vizzini: WHOEVER HE IS, HE'S TOO LATE. SEE? THE CLIFFS OF
INSANITY! HURRY UP! MOVE THE THING! AND THAT OTHER
THING! [pause] MOVE IT! We're safe. Only Fezzik is
strong enough to go up our way. He'll have to sail
around for hours till he finds a harbor.
[Scene: Climbing the Cliffs. Inigo, Vizzini and Buttercup are
clinging to
Fezzik, as he climbs a rope to the top]
Inigo: He's climbing the rope. And he's gaining
on us.
Vizzini: Inconceivable! [pause] FASTER!
Fezzik: I thought I was going faster.
Vizzini: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THIS COLOSSUS, YOU WERE THIS
GREAT LEGENDARY THING, AND YET HE GAINS!
Fezzik: Well, I'm carrying three people, and he's got only
himself.
Vizzini: I DO NOT ACCEPT EXCUSES! I'M JUST GOING TO HAVE TO
FIND MYSELF A NEW GIANT, THAT'S ALL.
Fezzik: Don't say that, Vizzini. Please?
Vizzini: DID I MAKE IT CLEAR THAT YOUR JOB IS AT
STAKE?
[Scene: At the top. Fezzik, Vizzini and Inigo are looking down at
the masked man climbing the cliff after Vizzini
has cut the rope]
Fezzik: He's got very good arms.
Vizzini: HE DIDN'T FALL? INCONCEIVABLE!
Inigo: You keep using that word. I do not think it means
what you think it means. [pause] My God! He's
climbing!
Vizzini: Whoever he is, he's obviously seen us with the
princess and must therefore die. You, carry her.
We'll head straight for the Gilder frontier. Catch
up when he's dead. If he falls, fine. If not, the
sword.
Inigo: I'm going to do him left-handed.
Vizzini: YOU KNOW WHAT A HURRY WE'RE IN!
Inigo: Is is the only way I can be satisfied. If I use my
right, over too quickly.
Vizzini: Oh, have it your way.
Fezzik: You be careful. People in masks cannot
be trusted.
Vizzini: I'M WAITING!
[Vizzini, Fezzik and Buttercup depart the Ruins,
leaving Inigo to prepair for the masked man]
Inigo: Hello there! Slow going?
Dread Pirate Roberts: < climbing cliff >
Look, I don't mean to be rude, but this is not as
easy as it looks, so I'd appreciate it if you
wouldn't distract me.
Inigo: Sorry.
Dread Pirate Roberts:
[tersely] Thank you.
Inigo: I do not suppose you could a-speed things
up?
Dread Pirate Roberts:
If you're in such a hurry, you could lower a rope or
a tree branch or find something useful to do.
Inigo: I could do that. I still got some rope up here, but I
do not think you would accept my help, since I am
only waiting around to kill you.
Dread Pirate Roberts:
That does put a damper on our relationship.
Inigo: But, I promise I will not kill you until you reach
the top.
Dread Pirate Roberts:
That's very comforting, but I'm afraid you'll just
have to wait.
Inigo: I hate waiting. I could give you my word as a
Spaniard....
Dread Pirate Roberts:
No good. I've known too many Spaniards.
Inigo: Is there not any way you'll trust me?
Dread Pirate Roberts:
Nothing comes to mind.
Inigo: I swear, on the soul of my father, Domingo Montoya,
you will reach the top alive.
Dread Pirate Roberts:
Throw me the rope.
[Roberts reaches the top]
Thank you.
Inigo: W-w-w-w-we'll wait until you are ready.
Dread Pirate Roberts:
Again, thank you.
Inigo: I do not mean to pry, but you don't by any chance
happen to have six fingers on your right hand?
Dread Pirate Roberts:
Do you always begin conversations this way?
Inigo: My father was slaughtered by a six-fingered man. Was
a great sword-maker, my father. When the six-
fingered man appear and request a special sword, my
father took the job. He slave a year before it was
done.
Dread Pirate Roberts: < admiring the sword >
I've never seen its equal.
Inigo: Six-fingered man returned and demanded it, but at one-
tenth his promised price. My father refuse. Without
a word, the six-fingered man slash him through the
heart. I loved my father, so naturally I challenged
his murderer to a duel. I fail. Six-fingered man
leave me alive. But he give me this.
Dread Pirate Roberts:
How old were you?
Inigo: I was eleven years old. When I was a-strong enough, I
dedicated my life to the study of fencing, so the
next time we meet, I will not fail. I will go up to
the six-fingered man and say, "Hello. My name is
Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to
die."
Dread Pirate Roberts:
You've done nothing but study swordplay?
Inigo: More a pursuit than a study, lately. You see, I
cannot find him. It has been twenty years now and I
am starting to lose confidence. I just work for
Vizzini to pay the bills. It's not a lot of money in
revenge.
Dread Pirate Roberts:
Well, I-I certainly hope you find him someday.
Inigo: You are ready, then?
Dread Pirate Roberts:
Whether I am or not, you've been more than fair.
Inigo: You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill
you.
Dread Pirate Roberts:
You seem a decent fellow. I hate to die.
Inigo: Begin.
You are using Bonetti's defense against me, uh?
Dread Pirate Roberts:
I thought it fitting, considering the rocky
terrain.
Inigo: Naturally, you must expect me to attack with Capo
Ferro.
Dread Pirate Roberts:
Naturally, but I find that Thibault cancels Capo
Ferro, don't you?
Inigo: Unless the enemy hasn't studied his
Agrippa,
which I have! [pause] You are wonderful!
Dread Pirate Roberts:
Thank you. I've worked hard to become so.
Inigo: I admit it, you are better than I am.
Dread Pirate Roberts:
Then why are you smiling?
Inigo: Because I know something you don't know.
Dread Pirate Roberts:
And what is that?
Inigo: I am not left-handed.
Dread Pirate Roberts:
You're amazing!
Inigo: I ought to be after twenty years.
Dread Pirate Roberts:
There is something I ought to tell you.
Inigo: Tell me.
Dread Pirate Roberts:
I'm not left-handed either.
Inigo: Who are you?
Dread Pirate Roberts:
No one of consequence.
Inigo: I must know.
Dread Pirate Roberts:
Get used to disappointment.
< Inigo shrugs >
Inigo: Okay.
[pause, as they continue to fight]
Kill me quickly.
Dread Pirate Roberts:
I would as soon destroy a stained-glass window as an
artist like yourself. However, since I can't have
you following me either....
[Roberts hits Inigo over the head with the hilt of
his sword]
[Inigo hits the ground, out cold. Roberts
apoligises:]
Please understand I hold you in the highest
respect.
[Scene: Halfway up a hill, nearby boulders. Vizzini sees the
black figure of Roberts moving towards them]
Vizzini: INCONCEIVABLE! Give her to me. Catch up with us
quickly.
Fezzik: What do I do?
Vizzini: FINISH HIM, FINISH HIM! YOUR WAY!
Fezzik: Oh good, my way. Thank you, Vizzini.
[Fezzik pauses, thinking]
Which way's my way?
Vizzini: Pick up one of those rocks, get behind the boulder.
In a few minutes the man in black will come running
around the bend. The minute his head is in view, HIT
IT WITH THE ROCK!!
Fezzik: My way's not very sportsmanlike.
[Roberts approaches the boulders, then slows
down.
A rock disintegrates itself just in front of
him]
Fezzik: I did that on purpose. I didn't have to
miss.
Dread Pirate Roberts:
I believe you. [pause] So what happens now?
Fezzik: We face each other as God intended...sportmanlike. No
tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone.
Dread Pirate Roberts:
You mean, you'll put down your rock and I'll put down
my sword and we'll try and kill each other like
civilized people?
Fezzik: I could kill you now.
Dread Pirate Roberts:
Frankly, I think the odds are slightly in your favor
at hand fighting.
Fezzik: It's not my fault being the biggest and the
strongest. I don't even exercise.
[Roberts puts down the sword, and begins to pummel
Fezzik,
to no effect]
Dread Pirate Roberts:
Look, are you just fiddling around with me or
what?
Fezzik: I just want you to feel you're doing well. I hate for
people to die embarrassed.
[Roberts dodges swipes from Fezzik]
You're quick.
Dread Pirate Roberts:
And a good thing, too.
Fezzik: Why are you wearing a mask? Were you burned by acid
or something like that?
Dread Pirate Roberts:
Oh no, it's just they're terribly comfortable. I
think everyone'll be wearing them in the future.
Fezzik: I just figured why you give me so much
trouble.
Dread Pirate Roberts:
Why's that, do you think?
Fezzik: Well, I haven't fought just one person for so long.
I've been specializing in groups. Battling gangs for
local charities, that kind of thing.
Dread Pirate Roberts:
Why should that make such a < strained >
difference?
Fezzik: Well, you see, you use different moves when you're
fighting half a dozen people than when you only have
to be worried about ... one.
[Fezzik drops unconscious to the ground]
Dread Pirate Roberts:
I do not envy you the headache you will have when you
awake. But, in the meantime, rest well, and dream of
large women.
[Scene: The Ruins. Humperdinck is looking at the scuff marks on
the ground Mounted soldiers and Count Rugen are
present]
Humperdinck:There was a mighty duel. It ranged all over. They
were both masters.
Count Rugen:Who won? How did it end?
Humperdinck:The loser... ran off alone, and the winner followed
those footprints... toward Gilder.
Count Rugen:Shall we track them both?
Humperdinck:The loser is nothing. Only the princess matters.
Clearly this was all planned by warriors of Gilder.
We must all be ready for whatever lies ahead.
Count Rugen:Could this be a trap?
Humperdinck:I always think everything could be a trap...which is
why I'm still alive.
[Scene: Open area. Vizzini is seated behind a covered table.
Buttercup, blindfolded, is sitting to his left. On the table is a
bottle of wine and two goblets. Roberts
approaches the Table]
Vizzini: So it is down to you, and it is down to me. If you
wish her dead, by all means, keep moving
forward.
Dread Pirate Roberts:
Let me explain--
Vizzini: There's nothing to explain. You're trying to kidnap
what I have rightfully stolen.
Dread Pirate Roberts:
Perhaps an arrangement can be reached?
Vizzini: There will be no arrangement, and
you're killing her.
Dread Pirate Roberts:
Well if there can be no arrangement, then we are at
an impasse.
Vizzini: I'm afraid so. I can't compete with you physically,
and you're no match for my brains.
Dread Pirate Roberts:
You're that smart?
Vizzini: Let me put it this way: have you ever heard of Plato,
Aristotle, Socrates?
Dread Pirate Roberts:
Yes.
Vizzini: Morons.
Dread Pirate Roberts:
Really. [pause] In that case, I challenge you to a
battle of wits.
Vizzini: For the princess? < Pirate nods > To the death? <
Pirate nods > I accept.
Dread Pirate Roberts:
Good. Then pour the wine.
[Roberts pulls out a small vial, and uncorks it]
Inhale this, but do not touch.
Vizzini: I smell nothing.
Dread Pirate Roberts:
What you do not smell is called Iocane powder. It is
odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid,
and is among the more deadly poisons known to
man.
Vizzini: Hmmmm.
Dread Pirate Roberts: < turns away from Vizzini with the goblets,
and pours the poison in. Goblets replaced on the
table, one in front of each. >
All right. Where is the poison? The battle of wits
has begun. It ends when you decide and we both
drink, and find out who is right...and who is
dead.
Vizzini: But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine from
what I know of you: are you the sort of man who
would put the poison into his own goblet or his
enemy's? Now, a clever man would put the poison into
his own goblet, because he would know that only a
great fool would reach for what he was given. I am
not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the
wine in front of you. But you must have known I was
not a great fool, you would have counted on it, so I
can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
Dread Pirate Roberts:
You've made your decision then?
Vizzini: Not remotely. Because iocane comes from Australia, as
everyone knows, and Australia is entirely peopled
with criminals, and criminals are used to having
people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me,
so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of
you.
Dread Pirate Roberts:
Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.
Vizzini: WAIT TILL I GET GOING! Where was I?
Dread Pirate Roberts:
Australia.
Vizzini: Yes, Australia. And you must have suspected I would
have known the powder's origin, so I can clearly not
choose the wine in front of me.
Dread Pirate Roberts:
You're just stalling now.
Vizzini: You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? You've beaten
my giant, which means you're exceptionally strong,
so you could've put the poison in your own goblet,
trusting on your strength to save you, so I can
clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But,
you've also bested my Spaniard, which means you must
have studied, and in studying you must have learned
that man is mortal, so you would have put the poison
as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly
not choose the wine in front of me.
Dread Pirate Roberts:
You're trying to trick me into giving away something.
It won't work.
Vizzini: IT HAS WORKED! YOU'VE GIVEN EVERYTHING AWAY! I KNOW
WHERE THE POISON IS!
Dread Pirate Roberts:
Then make your choice.
Vizzini: I will, and I choose-- What in the
world can that be?
[Vizzini gestures up and away from the table. Roberts
looks]
Dread Pirate Roberts:
What? Where? I don't see anything.
Vizzini: Well, I- I could have sworn I saw something. No
matter.
[Vizzini smirks]
Dread Pirate Roberts:
What's so funny?
Vizzini: I'll tell you in a minute. First, let's drink. Me
from my glass, and you from yours. < they drink
>
Dread Pirate Roberts:
You guessed wrong.
Vizzini: You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so
funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned!
Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the
classic blunders! The most famous is never get
involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly
less well-known is this: never go in against a
Sicilian when death is on the line!! Ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!! Ha ha ha--
[Vizzini stops suddenly, and falls dead to the
right]
Buttercup: Who are you?
Dread Pirate Roberts:
I'm no one to be trifled with. That is all you ever
need know.
Buttercup: And to think, all that time it was your cup that was
poisoned.
Dread Pirate Roberts:
They were both poisoned. I spent the last few years
building up an immunity to iocane powder.
[Scene: At the Boulders]
Humperdinck:Someone has beaten a giant. There will be great
suffering in Gilder if she dies.
[Scene: Along a hilltop]
Dread Pirate Roberts:
Catch your breath.
Buttercup: If you'll release me, whatever you ask for ransom,
you'll get it, I promise you.
Dread Pirate Roberts:
< laughs > And what is that worth, the promise of a
woman? You're very funny, Highness.
Buttercup: I was giving you a chance. It does not matter where
you take me. There is no greater hunter than Prince
Humperdinck. He can track a falcon on a cloudy day.
He can find you.
Dread Pirate Roberts:
You think your dearest love will save you?
Buttercup: I never said he was my dearest love, and yes, he will
save me. That I know.
Dread Pirate Roberts:
You admit to me that you do not love your fiance.
Buttercup: He knows I do not love him.
Dread Pirate Roberts:
Are not capable of love is what you mean.
Buttercup: I have loved more deeply than a killer like yourself
could ever dream.
Dread Pirate Roberts: < almost slaps her >
That was a warning, Highness. The next time my hand
flies on its own, for where I come from, there are
penalties when a woman lies.
[Scene: At the Table. Humperdinck sniffs at
vial]
Humperdinck:Iocane. I'd bet my life on it. And there are the
princess's footprints. She's alive, or was an hour
ago. If she is otherwise when I find her, I shall be
very put out.
[Scene: Grassy Hilltop, alongside a gully]
Dread Pirate Roberts:
Rest, Highness.
Buttercup: I know who you are. Your cruelty reveals everything.
You're the dread pirate Roberts, admit it!
Dread Pirate Roberts: < bowing > With pride. What can I do for
you?
Buttercup: You can die slowly, cut into a
thousand pieces.
Dread Pirate Roberts:
Tsk-tsk-tsk. Hardly complimentary, your Highness. Why
loose your venom on me?
Buttercup: You killed my love.
Dread Pirate Roberts:
It's possible. I kill a lot of people. Who was this
love of yours? Another prince like this one, ugly,
rich, and scabby?
Buttercup: No. A farm boy. Poor. Poor and perfect. With eyes
like the sea after a storm. On the high seas, your
ship attacked. And the dread pirate Roberts never
takes prisoners.
Dread Pirate Roberts:
I can't afford to make exceptions. I mean once word
leaks out that a pirate has gone soft, people begin
to disobey you and it's nothing but work, work, work
all the time.
Buttercup: You mock my pain!
Dread Pirate Roberts:
Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently
is selling something. [pause] I remember this farm
boy of yours, I think. This would be what, five
years ago? Does it bother you to hear?
Buttercup: Nothing you can say will upset me.
Dread Pirate Roberts:
He died well. That should please you. No bribe
attempts or blubbering. He simply said, "Please...
please, I need to live." It was the "please" that
caught my memory. I asked him what was so important
for him here. "True Love", he replied. And then he
spoke of a girl of surpassing beauty and
faithfulness. I can only assume he meant you. You
should bless me for destroying him before he found
out what you really are.
Buttercup: And what am I?
Dread Pirate Roberts:
Faithfulness he talked of, madame, your enduring
fathfulness. Now tell me truly, when you found out
he was gone, did you get engaged to your prince that
same hour, or did you wait a whole week out of
respect for the dead?
Buttercup: You mocked me once. Never do it again! I died that
day! [pause] And you can die too for all I care!
[Buttercup pushes Roberts down the hill]
Dread Pirate Roberts: < rolling >
As... you... wish!!
Buttercup: Oh my sweet Westley, what have I
done?
[Buttercup jumps down the hill, rolling after
him]
[Scene: Hilltop. Humperdinck and Soldiers are
mounted.]
Humperdinck:He disappeared. He must have seen us closing in. It
might account for his panicking into error. Unless I
am wrong, and I am never wrong, they are headed dead
into the fire swamp.
[Scene: Gully. Roberts lost his mask on the roll
down.]
Westley: Can you move at all?
Buttercup: Move? You're alive! If you want I can
fly.
Westley: I told you I would always come for you. Why didn't
you wait for me?
Buttercup: Well, you were dead.
Westley: Death cannot stop True Love. All it can do is delay
it for a while.
Buttercup: I will never doubt again.
Westley: [quietly] There will never be a need.
< they kiss >
[Scene: Boy's bedroom]
Grandson: Aw, no. No, please.
Grandfather:What is it? What's the matter?
Grandson: They're kissing again. Do we have to hear the kissing
part?
Grandfather:Someday, you may not mind so much.
Grandson: Skip on to the fire swamp. That
sounded good.
Grandfather:Oh. You're sick, I'll humor you. So now...where were
we? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh...okay. "Westley
and Buttercup raced along the ravine floor."
[Scene: Ravine floor. Ahead looms the dark of
the Fire Swamp]
Westley: Ha! Your pig fiance is too late. A few more steps and
we'll be safe in the fire swamp.
Buttercup: We'll never survive.
Westley: Nonsense. You're only saying that because no one ever
has.
[Scene: Inside the Fire Swamp]
Westley: It's not that bad. [pause] Well, I'm not saying I'd
like to build a summer home here, but the trees are
actually quite lovely.
[they walk]
[There is a series of thumping sounds approaching
Buttercup. A Flame Spout appears beside her]
Buttercup: < screams >
[Her gown catches fire. Westley smothers it]
Westley: Well now, that was an adventure. Singed a bit, were
you?
Buttercup: < shakes head > You?
Westley: < shakes head > Well, one thing I will say. The fire
swamp certainly does keep you on your toes. This
will all soon be but a happy memory.
---Roberts' ship Revenge, and I came at the far end.
And I, as you know, am Roberts.
Buttercup: But how is that possible, since he's been maurauding
twenty years, and you only left me five years
ago?
Westley: I myself am often surprised at life's little quirks.
See, what I told you before about saying "please"
was true. It intrigued Roberts, as did my
descriptions of your beauty. Finally, Roberts
decided something. He said, "All right Westley, I've
never had a valet, you can try if you'd like. I'll
most likely kill you in the morning." Three years he
said that. "Good night Westley. Good work. Sleep
well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning." It
was a fine time for me. I was learning to fence,
fight, anything anyone would teach me. And Roberts
and I eventually became friends. And then it
happened.
Buttercup: What? Go on.
Westley: Well, Roberts had grown so rich, he wanted to retire.
So he took me to his cabin, and told me his secret.
"I am not the Dread Pirate Roberts", he said. "My
name is Ryan. I inherited the ship from the previous
dread pirate Roberts, just as you will inherit it
from me. The man I inherited it from was not the
real dread pirate Roberts either. His name was
Cummerbund. The real Roberts has been retired
fifteen years and living like a king in Patagonia."
Thank you. Then he explained that the name was the
important thing for inspiring the necessary fear.
You see, no one would surrender to the dread pirate
Westley. So we sailed ashore, took on an entirely
new crew, and he stayed aboard for a while as first
mate, all the time calling me Roberts. Once the crew
believed, he left the ship, and I have been Roberts
ever since. Except now that we're together, I shall
retire and hand the name over to someone else. Is
everything clear to you?
Buttercup: < doubtfully nods head >
[She steps into a patch of Lightning Sand, and
promptly disappears]
Westley:
[Westley cuts a vine, and dives in after her]
Buttercup and Westley: < gasp!! cough!!! >
Buttercup: We'll never succeed. We may as well
die here.
Westley: No, no. We have already succeeded. I mean, what are
the three terrors of the fire swamp? One, the flame
spurt. No problem. There's a popping sound preceding
each, we can avoid that. Two, the lightning sand,
but you were clever enough to discover what that
looks like, so in the future we can avoid that
too.
Buttercup: Westley, what about the R.O.U.S's?
Westley: Rodents Of Unusual Size? I don't think
they exist.
[A large R.O.U.S appears and pounces onWestley]
Aarrggghhh!!!
Buttercup: Westley!!
Westley: Arr! Aarrrggghhh!!
[Fight/Wrestling - Westley vs. R.O.U.S. Flame Spurt
appears, igniting the fur of the rodent. Westley
stabs it]
Rodent: Brawr rawr rawr!
Arouw!
[Scene: Outside the Fire Swamp, in a lightly
wooded area]
Buttercup: We did it.
Westley: Now, was that so terrible?
Humperdinck:Surrender!
Westley: You mean you wish to surrender to me? Very well, I
accept.
Humperdinck:I give you full marks for bravery. Don't make
yourself a fool.
Westley: Ah, but how will you capture us? We know the secrets
of the fire swamp. We can live there quite happily
for some time, so whenever you feel like dying, feel
free to visit.
Humperdinck:I tell you once again, surrender!
Westley: It will not happen.
Humperdinck:For the last time, surrender!
Westley: Death first!!
Buttercup: Will you promise not to hurt him?
Humperdinck:What was that?
Westley: What was that?
Buttercup: If we surrender and I return with you, will you
promise not to hurt this man?
Humperdinck:May I live a thousand years and
never hunt again.
Buttercup: He is a sailor on the pirate ship Revenge. Promise to
return him to his ship.
Humperdinck:I swear it will be done.
Once we're out of sight, take him back to Florin and
throw him in the Pit of Despair.
Count Rugen:I swear it will be done.
Buttercup: < to Westley >
I thought you were dead once and it almost destroyed
me. I could not bear it if you died again, not when
I could save you.
Count Rugen:< to Westley >
Come, sir, we must get you to your ship.
[pause]
Westley: We are men of action. Lies do not
become us.
Count Rugen:Well spoken, sir.
[Westley notices Rugen's hand]
What is it?
Westley: You have six fingers on your right hand. Someone was
looking for you.
[Rugen knocksWestley cold]
[Scene: Pit of Despair. Westley is strapped to a table, in front
of a Large machine that consists of a waterwheel, levers, pumps
etc. An Albino is tending to Westley's wounds]
Westley: Where am I?
Albino: [menacing voice] The Pit of Despair. Don't even think-
- < cough, gasp! > [normal voice] Don't even think
about trying to escape. The chains are far too
thick. And don't dream of being rescued, either. The
only way in is secret, and only the prince, the
count, and I know how to get in and out.
Westley: Then I'm here till I die?
Albino: Till they kill you, yeah.
Westley: Then why bother curing me?
Albino: [sighs] The prince and the count always insist on
everyone being healthy before they're broken.
Westley: So it's to be torture then? < Albino nods head > I
can cope with torture < Albino shakes head > Don't
believe me?
Albino: You survived the fire swamp, you must be very brave,
but nobody withstands The Machine.
[Scene: In the castle, Humperdinck watches a melancholy
Buttercup]
Humperdinck:She's been like that ever since the fire swamp. It's
my father's failing health that's upsetting her.
Count Rugen:Of course.
[Scene: Florin Market. Humperdinck addresses the crowd from the
balcony]
Grandfather:"The king died that very night, and before the
following dawn, Buttercup and Humperdinck were
married. And at noon she met her subjects again,
this time as their queen."
Humperdinck:My father's final words were:---
Grandson: Hold it, hold it, Grandpa. Y-you read that wrong. She
doesn't marry Humperdinck, she married Westley. I'm
just sure of it. After all that Westley did for her,
if she didn't marry him, it wouldn't be fair.
Grandfather:Well, who says life is fair? Where is that written?
Life isn't always fair.
Grandson: I'm telling you, you're messing up the story, now get
it right!
Grandfather:Do you want me to go on with this?
Grandson: Yes.
Grandfather:All right, then. No more interruptions. "At noon she
met her subjects again, this time as their
queen."
Humperdinck:My father's final words were: "Love her as I loved
her and there will be joy." I present to you your
queen, Queen Buttercup!
[Buttercup appears.]
Ancient Booer: Boo! Boo! Boo!
[The Booer moves to the front of the crowd]
Buttercup: Why do you do this?
Ancient Booer: Because you had love in your hands, and you gave
it up.
Buttercup: But they would have killed Westley if I hadn't done
it.
Ancient Booer: Your true love lives! And you marry another. True
Love saved her in the fire swamp, and she treated it
like garbage. And that's what she is, the queen of
refuse. So bow down to her if you want, bow to her.
Bow to the queen of slime, the queen of filth, the
queen of putrescence. Boo! Boo! Rubbish! Filth!
Slime! Muck! Boo! Boo! Boo!
Buttercup: < gasp! >
[Scene: Numperdinck's Office]
Grandfather:"It was ten days till the wedding. The king still
lived, but Buttercup's nightmares were growing
steadily worse."
Grandson: See? Didn't I tell you she'd never marry that rotten
Humperdinck?
Grandfather:Yes, you're very smart. Shut up.
Buttercup: If it comes to this. I love Westley. I always have. I
know now I always will. If you tell me I must marry
you in ten days, please believe I will be dead by
morning.
Humperdinck:I could never cause you grief. Consider our wedding
off. < to Rugen > You, uh, returned this Westley to
his ship?
Count Rugen:Yes.
Humperdinck:Then we will simply alert him. Beloved, are you
certain he still wants you? After all, it was you
who did the leaving in the fire swamp. Not to
mention that pirates are not known to be men of
their words.
Buttercup: My Westley will always come for me.
Humperdinck:I suggest a deal. You write four copies of a letter.
I'll send my four fastest ships, one in each
direction. The dread pirate Roberts is always close
to Florin this time of year. We'll run up the white
flag and deliver your message. If Westley wants you,
bless you both. If not, please consider me as an
alternative to suicide. Are we agreed?
Buttercup: < nods head >
[Buttercup leaves. Segue to forest scene.]
Count Rugen:< later > Your princess is really quite a winning
creature. A trifle simple, perhaps, but her appeal
is undeniable.
Humperdinck:Oh, I know, the people are quite taken with her.
It's odd, but when I hired Vizzini to have her
murdered on our engagement day, I thought that was
clever. But it's going to be so much more moving
when I strangle her on our wedding night. Once
Gilder is blamed, the nation will be truly outraged.
They'll demand we go to war.
[Scene: Forested area. Large trees. Rugen is searching a tree
trunk]
Count Rugen:Hmmm. Now where is that secret knot? It's impossible
to find. Hah! Are you coming down into the Pit?
Westley's got his strength back. I'm starting him on
the Machine tonight.
Humperdinck:Tyrone, you know how much I love watching you work,
but I've got my country's 500th anniversary to plan,
my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder, and Gilder
to frame for it. I'm swamped!
Count Rugen:Get some rest. If you haven't got your health, you
haven't got anything.
[Scene: Pit of Despair]
Count Rugen:Beautiful, isn't it? Took me half a lifetime to
invent it. I'm sure you've discovered my deep and
abiding interest in pain. At present, I'm writing
the definitive work on the subject, so I want you to
be totally honest with me on how The Machine makes
you feel. This being our first try, I'll use the
lowest setting.
[Rugen moves a lever from zero to one. Water starts
flowing, powering the machine. Wesley writhes in
pain.]
As you know, the concept of the suction pump is
centuries old. Well, really that's all this is
except that instead of sucking water, I'm sucking
life. I've just sucked one year of your life away. I
might one day go as high as five, but I really don't
know what that would do to you, so let's just start
with what we have. What did this do to you? Tell me.
And remember, this is for posterity, so be honest.
How do you feel?
Westley: < whimpers >
Count Rugen:Interesting.
[Scene: Humperdinck's Office]
Yellin: Ahem!
Humperdinck:Yellin.
Yellin: Sire.
Humperdinck:[motions Yellin to join him] As chief enforcer of
all Florin, I trust you with this secret: killers
from Gilder are infiltrating the Thieves' Forest and
plan to murder my bride on our wedding night.
Yellin: My spy network has heard no such news.
[Buttercup appears at the door]
Buttercup: Any word from Westley?
Humperdinck:Too soon, my angel. Patience.
Buttercup: He will come for me.
Humperdinck:Of course.
< to Yellin > She will not be murdered. On the day of
the wedding, I want the Thieves' Forest emptied, and
every inhabitant arrested.
Yellin: Many of the thieves will resist. My regular enforcers
will be inadequate.
Humperdinck:FORM A BRUTE SQUAD, then. I want the Thieves' Forest
emptied before I wed.
Yellin: It won't be easy, sire.
Humperdinck:Try ruling the world sometime.
[Scene: Thieve's Forest. Brute Squad moving in
and about huts]
Grandfather:"The day of the wedding arrived. The brute squad had
their hands full carrying out Humperdinck's
orders."
Yellin: Is everybody out?
Assistant Brute:
Almost. There's a Spaniard giving us some
trouble.
Yellin: Well you give him some trouble. Move.
[Scene: Outside a hut. Inigo is sitting, nursing
a bottle]
Inigo: I am waiting for you, Vizzini. You told me to go back
to the beginning. So I have. This is where I am, and
this is where I will stay. I will not be moved.
Assistant Brute:
Ho there!
Inigo: I do not budge. Keep your "Ho there".
Assistant Brute:
But the prince gave orders.
Inigo: So did Vizzini. When the job went wrong he went back
to the beginning. Well, this is where we got the
job, so it's the beginning. And I am staying till
Vizzini come.
[Inigo swipes at Assitant with sword]
Assistant Brute:
You, brute, come here!
[Fezzik comes over]
Inigo: I am waiting for Vizzini.
Fezzik: You surely are a meanie. Hello.
Inigo: It's you.
Fezzik: Who? You don't look so good.
Inigo: Phbphbphbphbphbphbphbphbt!
Fezzik: You don't smell so good either.
Inigo: Perhaps no. I feel fine.
Fezzik: Yeah?
[Scene: Inside somewhere.]
Grandfather:"Fezzik and Inigo were reunited. And as Fezzik
nursed his inebriated friend back to health, he told
Inigo of Vizzini's death and the existence of Count
Rugen, the six-fingered man. Considering Inigo's
lifelong search, he handled the news surprisingly
well.
[Inigo falls head first into a bowl of food]
Fezzik took great care in reviving Inigo."
[Fezzik dunks Inigo's head into two buckets in
turn]
Inigo: That's enough! That's enough! Where is this Rugen
now, so I may kill him?
Fezzik: He's with the prince, in the castle. But the castle
gate is guarded by thirty men.
Inigo: How many could you handle?
Fezzik: [Counts on fingers]
I don't think more than ten.
Inigo: Leaving twenty for me. At my best I could never
defeat that many. I need Vizzini to plan. I have no
gift for strategy.
Fezzik: But Vizzini's dead.
Inigo: No, not Vizzini. I need the man in black.
Fezzik: What?
Inigo: Look, he bested you with strength, your greatness. He
bested me with steel. He must have out-thought
Vizzini. And a man who can do that can plan my
castle onslaught any day. Let's go.
Fezzik: Where?
Inigo: To find the man in black, obviously.
Fezzik: But we don't know where he is!
Inigo: Don't bother me with trifles. After twenty years, at
last my father's soul will be at peace. There will
be blood tonight!
[Scene: Humperdinck's office. Yellin enters.]
Humperdinck:Rise and report.
Yellin: The Thieves' Forest is emptied. Thirty men guard the
castle gate.
Humperdinck:Double it. My princess must be safe.
Yellin: The gate has but one key, and I carry
that.
Humperdinck:Ahhh, my dulcet darling. Tonight, we marry. Tomorrow
morning your men will escort us to Florin channel,
where every ship in my armada waits to accompany us
on our honeymoon.
Buttercup: Every ship but your four fastest, you mean. [pause]
Every ship but the four you sent.
Humperdinck:Yes. Yes, of course. Naturally not
those four.
Yellin: Ahem. Your majesty.
Buttercup: You never sent the ships. Don't bother lying. Doesn't
matter. Westley will come for me anyway.
Humperdinck:You're a silly girl.
Buttercup: Yes, I am a silly girl, for not having seen sooner
that you are nothing but a coward with a heart full
of fear.
Humperdinck:I would not say such things if I
were you.
Buttercup: Why not? You can't hurt me. Westley and I are joined
by the bonds of love. And you cannot track that, not
with a thousand bloodhounds. And you cannot break
it, not with a thousand swords. And when I say you
are a coward, that is only because you are the
slimiest weakling ever to crawl the earth.
Humperdinck:I would not say such things if I
were you!
[Scene: Pit of Despair. Humperdinck is over
Westley]
Humperdinck:You truly love each other, and so you might have
been truly happy. Not one couple in a century has
that chance, no matter what the storybooks say. So I
think no man in a century will suffer as greatly as
you will.
[Humperdinck takes the control of The Machine, and
puts it to the highest setting]
Count Rugen:Not to 50!!!!
Westley: < assorted groans and wails >
[Scene: Village road.]
Inigo: Fezzik! Fezzik! Listen! Do you hear? That is the
sound of ultimate suffering. My heart made that
sound when Rugen slaughtered my father. The man in
black makes it now.
Fezzik: The man in black?
Inigo: His true love is marrying another tonight, so who
else has the cause for ultimate suffering?
[They start moving through a crowd]
Excuse me. Pardon me, it's important. Fezzik,
please.
[Fezzik stands up straight]
Fezzik: Everybody MOVE!!!
[the crowd parts]
Inigo: Thank you.
[Scene: Outside entrance to Pit of Despair. The two have stopped
the Albino, who is pushing a wheelbarrow]
Inigo: Where is the man in black? You get that from this
grove, yes? Fezzik, jog his memory.
Fezzik: < bonks Albino and leaves him out cold >
I'm sorry, Inigo. I didn't mean to jog him so hard.
Inigo?
[Inigo draws his sword]
Inigo: Father, I have failed you for twenty years. Now our
misery can end. Somewhere, somewhere close by is a
man who can help us. I cannot find him alone. I need
you. I need you to guide my sword. Please, guide my
sword.
[Inigo stumbles around, led by the sword. The sword
hits a tree. Inigo leans against the tree, pressing
the hidden knot]
[Scene: Pit of Despair]
Fezzik: He's dead.
Inigo: Is just not fair.
[Scene: bedroom]
Grandson: Grandpa, grandpa, wait. Wait, what did Fezzik mean
"He's dead"? I mean, he didn't mean dead. Westley's
only faking, right?
Grandfather:You want me to read this or not?
Grandson: Who gets Humperdinck?
Grandfather:I don't understand.
Grandson: Who kills Prince Humperdinck? At the end. Somebody's
got to do it. Is it Inigo, who?
Grandfather:Nobody. Nobody kills him. He lives.
Grandson: You mean he wins? Jesus, Grandpa, what did you read
me this thing for?
Grandfather:You know, you've been very sick and you're taking
this story very seriously. I think we better stop
now.
Grandson: No, I'm okay. I'm okay. Sit down. I'm
all right.
Grandfather:Okay. All right. Now let's see, where were we. Ohhh,
yes. In the Pit of Despair.
[Scene: Pit of Despair]
Inigo: Well, the Montoyas have never taken defeat easily.
Come along, Fezzik. Bring the body.
Fezzik: The body?
Inigo: Have you any money?
Fezzik: I have a little.
Inigo: I just hope it's enough to buy a miracle,
that's all.
[Scene: Outside a Thatched hut]
[Inigo knocks on the door. A face appears]
Miracle Max:Go away. What, what?
Inigo: Are you the Miracle Max who worked for the king all
those years?
Miracle Max:The king's stinking son fired me. And thank you so
much for bringing up such a painful subject. While
you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut
and pour lemon juice on it? We're closed. [knocking]
Beat it, or I'll call the brute squad!
Fezzik: I'm on the brute squad.
Miracle Max:You are the brute squad.
Inigo: We need a miracle. It's very important.
Miracle Max:Look, I'm retired. And besides, why would you want
someone the
king's stinking son fired? I might kill whoever you
wanted me to miracle.
Inigo: He's already dead.
Miracle Max:He is, huh? I'll take a look. Bring him in. [pause.
Holds up arm.]
[They enter. Westley is laid on the table. Max
examines him]
I've seen worse.
Inigo: Sir...sir??
Miracle Max:Huh?
Inigo: We're in a terrible rush.
Miracle Max:Don't rush me, sonny. You rush a miracle man, you
get rotten miracles. You got money?
Inigo: Sixty-five.
Miracle Max:Sheesh! I never worked for so little. Except once,
and that was a very noble cause.
Inigo: This is noble sir. His wife is... crippled. The
children are on the brink of starvation.
Miracle Max:Are you a rotten liar!
Inigo: I need him to help avenge my father, murdered these
twenty years.
Miracle Max:Your first story was better. Where's that bellows
crammed? He probably owes you money, huh? Well, I'll
ask him.
Inigo: He's dead. He can't talk.
Miracle Max:Hoo hoo hoo! Look who knows so much, heh? Well, it
just so happens that your friend here is only mostly
dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead
and all dead. Please, open his mouth. Now, mostly
dead is slightly alive. Now, all dead...well, with
all dead, there's usually only one thing you can
do.
Inigo: What's that?
Miracle Max:Go through his clothes and look for
loose change.
[Max puts the bellows to Westley's mouth, and blows
air in.]
Hey! Hello in there! Hey! What's so important? What
you got here that's worth living for?
Westley: T-R-U-E L-O-V-E.
Inigo: "True Love", you heard him? You could not ask for a
more noble cause than that.
Miracle Max:Yeah, True Love is the greatest thing in the world,
except for a nice MLT---mutton, lettuce and tomato
sandwich, when the mutton is nice and lean, and the
tomato is ripe. < makes puckering sound > They're so
perky. I love that. But that's not what he said---he
distinctly said "To blave" and as we all know, to
blave means to bluff, heh? So you were probably
playing cards, and he cheated--
[A withered lady storms into the room]
Valerie: Liar! Liar! Liar!
Miracle Max:Get back, witch!
Valerie: I'm not a witch, I'm your wife, but after what you
just said, I'm not even sure I want to be that
anymore.
Miracle Max:You never had it so good.
Valerie: True Love, he said "True Love", Max.
Miracle Max:Not another word, Valerie.
Valerie: He's afraid. Ever since Prince Humperdinck fired him,
his confidence is shattered.
Miracle Max:Why'd you say that name? You promised me that you
would never say that name!
Valerie: What, Humperdinck?
Miracle Max:Aaaigh!
Valerie: Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck!
Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck!
Humperdinck! Humperdinck!
Miracle Max:I'm not listening.
Valerie: You're life's expiring, and you don't have the
decency to say why you won't help.
Miracle Max:Nobody's hearing nothing!
Valerie: Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck!
Humperdinck!
Inigo: This is Buttercup's True Love. If you heal him, he
will stop Humperdinck's wedding.
Miracle Max:Enough! Wait, wait. I make him better, Humperdinck
suffers?
Inigo: Humiliations galore.
Miracle Max:Ha ha ha! I'm gonna lick the dalmation! That is a
noble cause. Gimme the sixty-five. I'm on the
job.
Valerie: Hoo-woo!
[Scene of Valerie coating the pill with
chocolate]
Inigo: That a miracle pill?
Valerie: The chocolate coating makes it go down easier, but
you have to wait fifteen minutes for full potency,
and he shouldn't go in swimming after for at
least--
Miracle Max:An hour--
Valerie: Yeah, an hour--
Miracle Max:A good hour.
Inigo: Thank you for everything.
Miracle Max:Okay.
Valerie: Bye-bye, boys!
Miracle Max:Have fun storming the castle!
Valerie: Think it'll work?
Miracle Max:It would take a miracle.
Miracle Max and Valerie:
Bye-bye!!
[Scene: Atop a battlement overlooking the gate.]
Fezzik: Inigo, there's more than thirty!
Inigo: What's the difference? We've got him. Help me here.
We'll have to force-feed him.
Fezzik: Has it been fifteen minutes?
Inigo: We can't wait. The wedding's in half an hour. We must
strike in the hustle and the bustle beforehand. Tilt
his head back. Open his mouth.
Fezzik: How long do we have to wait, before if we know the
miracle works?
Inigo: Your guess is as good as mine.
Westley: I'll beat you two apart! I'll take you
both together!
Fezzik: I guess not very long.
Westley: Why won't my arms move?
Fezzik: You've been mostly dead all day.
Inigo: We had Miracle Max make a pill to bring
you back.
Westley: Who are you? Are we enemies? Why am I on this wall?
Where's Buttercup?
Inigo: Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up.
Buttercup is marry Humperdinck in little less than
half an hour, so all we have to do is get in, break
up the wedding, steal the princess, make our escape,
after I kill Count Rugen.
Westley: That doesn't leave much time for
dilly-dallying.
Fezzik: You just wiggled your finger! That's
wonderful!
Westley: I've always been a quick healer. What are our
liabilities?
Inigo: There is but one working castle gate. And it is
guarded by... sixty men.
Westley: And our assets?
Inigo: Your brains, Fezzik's strength, my steel.
Westley: That's it? Impossible. If I had a month to plan,
maybe I could come up with something, but this...<
shakes head >
Fezzik: You just shook your head! That doesn't make you
happy?
Westley: My brains, your strength, and his steel against sixty
men, and you think a little head jiggle is supposed
to make me happy? Hmmmm? I mean, if we only had a
wheelbarrow, that would be something.
Inigo: Where did we put that wheelbarrow the
albino had?
Fezzik: With the albino, I think.
Westley: Why didn't you list that among our assets in the
first place? What I wouldn't give for a holocaust
cloak.
Inigo: There we cannot help you.
Fezzik: Would this do?
Inigo: Where did you get that?
Fezzik: At Miracle Max's. It fit so nice, he said I could
keep it.
Westley: All right, all right. Come on, help me up. Now I'll
need a sword eventually.
Inigo: Why? You can't even lift one.
Westley: True, but that's hardly common knowledge, is it?
Thank you. Now, there may be problems once we're
inside.
Inigo: I'll say. Namely, how do I find the Count? Once I do,
how do I find you again? Once I find you again, how
do I escape?
Fezzik: Don't pester him. He's had a hard day.
Inigo: Right. Right. Sorry.
Fezzik: Inigo?
Inigo: What?
Fezzik: I hope we win.
Humperdinck:You don't seem excited, my little
muffet.
Buttercup: Should I be?
Humperdinck:Brides often are, I'm told.
Buttercup: I do not marry tonight. My Westley
will save me.
[scene: chapel]
Impressive Clergyman:
Mawwage. Mawwage is what bwings us togethew today.
Mawwage, that bwessed awwangement, that dweam within
a dweam.
Voice: [distant] Stand your ground, men, stand
your ground!
[scene: outside the castle gate]
Stand your ground!
Fezzik: I am the dread pirate Roberts! There will be no
survivors!
Inigo: Now?
Westley: Not yet.
Fezzik: Many are here, I am here. But soon, you will not be
here.
Inigo: Now?
Westley: Light him.
Fezzik: The dread pirate Roberts takes no survivors! All your
worst nightmares are about to come true!
[chapel]
Impressive Clergyman:
And wove, twue wove, wiww fowwow you fowevah--
[outside]
Fezzik: The dread pirate Roberts is here for
your souls!
Voice: Stay where you are! Fight! Stay where you
are!
[chapel]
Impressive Clergyman:
So tweasuwe youw wove, --
Humperdinck:Skip to the end.
Clergyman: Have you the wing?
Buttercup: Here comes my Westley now.
[outside]
Westley: Fezzik, the portcullis!
[chapel]
Humperdinck:Your Westley is dead. I killed him
myself.
Buttercup: Then why is there fear behind your
eyes?
[outside]
Westley: Give us the gate key.
Yellin: I have no gate key.
Inigo: Fezzik, tear his arms off.
Yellin: Oh, you mean this gate key.
[chapel]
Impressive Clergyman:
And do you, Pwincess Buwwercwup,--
Humperdinck:Man and wife! Say man and wife!!
Impressive Clergyman:
Man and wife.
Humperdinck:Escort the bride to the honeymoon suite. I'll be
there shortly.
Buttercup: He didn't come.
[castle corridor]
Count Rugen:Kill the dark one and the giant, but leave the third
for questioning.
Inigo: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my
father. Prepare to die.
< Rugen runs away behind a locked door >
Fezzik!!!!!! I need you!!!!!
Fezzik: I can't leave him alone.
Inigo: He's getting away from me, Fezzik!!! Please!!! Arr!!!
Fezzik!!! Aaargh!!
Fezzik: I'll be right back.
Inigo: Arr! Arrgh!< Fezzik breaks door down >
Thank you.
[a different corridor]
King: Strange wedding.
Queen: Yes. A very strange wedding. Come along.
King: < Buttercup kisses him > What was that
for?
Buttercup: Because you've always been so kind to me, and I won't
be seeing you again, since I'm killing myself once
we reach the honeymoon suite.
King: Won't that be nice? She kissed me! <
laughs >
[castle stairway to cellar dining room]
Inigo: Sorry, father. I tried. I tried.
Count Rugen:You must be that little Spanish brat I taught a
lesson to all those years ago. Simply incredible.
Have you been chasing me your whole life, only to
fail now? I think that's the worst thing I've ever
heard. How marvelous.
[honeymoon suite]
Westley: There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world.
'Twould be a pity to damage yours.
Buttercup: Westley! Oh, Westley darling! Westley, why won't you
hold me?
Westley: Gently.
Buttercup: At a time like this, that's all you can think to say,
"gently"?
Westley: Gently! < thumps head > Urr!
[downstairs]
Count Rugen:Good heavens. Are you still trying to win? You've
got an overdeveloped sense of vengeance. It's going
to get you into trouble someday.
Inigo: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my
father. Prepare to die.
Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my
father. Prepare to die.
Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my
father. Prepare to die.
Count Rugen:Stop saying that!
Inigo: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my
father. Prepare to die.
Count Rugen:No!
Inigo: Offer me money!
Count Rugen:Yes!
Inigo: Power, too. Promise me that!
Count Rugen:All that I have and more! Please!
Inigo: Offer me everything I ask for!
Count Rugen:Anything you want.
Inigo: I want my father back, you son of a bitch. < kills
him >
[honeymoon suite]
Buttercup: Oh, Westley, will you ever forgive
me?
Westley: What hideous sin have you committed
lately?
Buttercup: I got married. I didn't want to. It all happened so
fast.
Westley: Never happened.
Buttercup: What?
Westley: Never happened.
Buttercup: But it did. I was there. This old man said "man and
wife".
Westley: Did you say "I do"?
Buttercup: Uh, no. We sort of skipped that part.
Westley: Then you're not married. If you didn't say it, you
didn't do it. Wouldn't you agree, Your
Highness?
Humperdinck:A technicality that will shortly be remedied. But
first things first. To the death.
Westley: No! To the pain.
Humperdinck:I don't think I'm quite familiar
with that phrase.
Westley: I'll explain. And I'll use small words so that you'll
be sure to understand, you warthog-faced
buffoon.
Humperdinck:That may be the first time in my life a man has
dared insult me.
Westley: It won't be the last. To the pain means the first
thing you will lose will be your feet below the
ankles. Then your hands at the wrists, next your
nose.
Humperdinck:And then my tongue, I suppose. I killed you too
quickly the last time, a mistake I don't mean to
duplicate tonight.
Westley: I wasn't finished. The next thing you will lose will
be your left eye, followed by your right.
Humperdinck:And then my ears, I understand, let's get on with
it.
Westley: Wrong! Your ears you keep, and I'll tell you why. So
that every shriek of every child at seeing your
hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe
that weeps at your approach, ever woman who cries
out "Dear God, what is that thing?" will echo in
your perfect ears. That is what "to the pain" means.
It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in
freakish misery for ever.
Humperdinck:I think you're bluffing.
Westley: It's possible, pig. I might be bluffing. It's
conceivable, you miserable vomitous mass, I'm only
lying here because I lack the strength to stand.
Then again, perhaps I have the strength after all. <
he stands up > Drop... your... sword. < Humperdinck
drops it > Have a seat. Tie him up. Make it as tight
as you like.
Humperdinck:Urr!
Inigo: Where's Fezzik?
Westley: I thought he was with you.
Inigo: No.
Westley: In that case, whooooa!
Inigo: Help him.
Buttercup: Why does Westley need helping?
Inigo: Because he has no strength.
Humperdinck:I knew it! I knew you were bluffing! I knew he
was... bluffing.
Inigo: Shall I dispatch him for you?
Westley: Thank you, but no. Whatever happens to us, I want him
to live a long life alone with his cowardice.
Fezzik: Inigo! Inigo! Where are you? Oh, there you are.
Inigo, I saw the prince's stable, and there they
were, four white horses. And I thought, there are
four of us, if we ever find the lady. Hello, lady!
So I took them with me, in case we ever bumped into
each other. I guess we just did.
Inigo: Fezzik, you did something right.
Fezzik: Don't worry, I won't let it go to my
head.
Inigo: You know, It's very strange. I have been in the
revenge business so long, now that it's over, I
don't know what to do with the rest of my life.
Westley: Have you ever considered piracy? You'd make a
wonderful dread pirate Roberts.
[bedroom]
Grandfather:"They rode to freedom. And as dawn arose, Westley
and Buttercup knew they were safe. A wave of love
swept over them. And as they reached for each other-
-"
Grandson: What? What?
Grandfather:Naw, it's kissing again, you don't want to hear
that.
Grandson: Well, I don't mind so much.
Grandfather:Okay. "Since the invention of the kiss, there have
been five kisses that were rated the most
passionate, the most pure. This one left them all
behind.
[pause as Buttercup and Westley kiss]
The End." Now, I think you oughtta go to sleep.
Grandson: Okay.
Grandfather:All right. Okay. Okay. Okay. All
right. So long.
Grandson: Grandpa? [pause] Maybe you could come
over and read it again to me tomorrow.
Grandfather:As you wish.
THE END
Counter reset
1/21/06
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